Lawyer Jokes

Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can. Elsa Maxwell, September 28, 1958. Being serious isn’t all that important. What counts is knowing what to be serious about.

The Following Are (Supposedly) Real Statements Made During Court Cases:

Teacher: How old is your father?

Kid: He is 6 years.

Teacher: What? How is this possible?

Kid: He became father only when I was born.

(Logic!! Children are quick and always speak their minds.)

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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now, Class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

 

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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’

GLENN: KR OK 0-D-I-A-L.

TEACHER: No, that’s wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I love this child.)

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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: HIJKLMNO.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

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TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, sir; It’s the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher.

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JUDGE: I know you, don’t I?
DEFENDANT: Uh, yes.
JUDGE: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
DEFENDANT: Judge, do I have to tell you?
JUDGE: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
DEFENDANT: Okay. I was your bookie.

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From a defendant representing himself ….
DEFENDANT: Did you get a good look at me when I allegedly stole your
purse? VICTIM: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
DEFENDANT: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

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JUDGE: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
defendant? DEFENDANT: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.

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LAWYER: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
JUROR: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
LAWYER: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
JUROR: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth,
too.
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JUDGE: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
JUROR: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
JUDGE: Can’t they do without you at work?
JUROR: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.

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LAWYER: Tell us about the fight.
WITNESS: I didn’t see no fight.
LAWYER: Well, tell us what you did see.
WITNESS: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
LAWYER: You, too were shot in the fracas?
WITNESS: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

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DEFENDANT: JUDGE, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
JUDGE: And why is that?
DEFENDANT: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.
JUDGE: (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant’s
motion? Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor, I wasn’t listening.

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JUDGE: Please identify yourself for the record.
DEFENDANT: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
JUDGE: What does the ‘Colonel’ stand for?
DEFENDANT: Well, it’s kinda like the ‘Honorable’ in front of your name – not a damn thing.

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JUDGE: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
DEFENDANT: Habitual thirstiness?

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DEFENDANT (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
JUDGE: Of course.
DEFENDANT: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
JUDGE: I’d hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
DEFENDANT: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
JUDGE: I can’t do anything about that. There’s no law against thinking.
DEFENDANT: In that case, I think you’re a son of a bitch.

Laugh and the world laughs with you;/Weep and you weep alone … Ella Wheeler Wilcox, “Solitude,” 1883.

“Laughter is God’s gift to mankind,” said the preacher. “And mankind,” said the cynic, “is the proof that God has a sense of humor.”

Every time Mr. Jones told a joke and joined in the laughter, Mrs. Jones would say disapprovingly, “I don’t think that’s funny.” One day Mr. Jones told what he thought was an uproarious joke and, as he burst into a laugh at the end of it, he found he was laughing alone. Everybody else had a puzzled look. “Now that, ” said Mrs. Jones, “is funny.”

Facts

Humor is a most salable commodity in the market place. Popular comedians make more money than the President of the United States (but then of course so do business executives and professional athletes, among others), and situation comedies are the nation’s favorite television viewing. Joke books have been best sellers since the original edition of Joe Miller. On the college campus, a humor magazine is as much a staple as the pretentious literary periodical. Slapstick comedy was the keystone of Hollywood’s movie success. Over the years, Americans have laughed at many of the same things time after time-pie in the face, irreverence toward government, the funny differences among us. A sense of humor often seems to be the best sense of all.

“Killer Cross-Examinations?”

Courtroom Gaffes recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

Q: “Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
Q: “The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”
Q: “Were you present when your picture was taken?”
Q: “Were you alone or by yourself?”
Q: “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”
Q: “Did he kill you?”
Q: “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
Q: “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
Q: “How many times have you committed suicide?”

Q: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And what were you doing at that time?”

Q: “She had three children, right?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “How many were boys?”
A: “None”
Q: “Were there any girls?”

Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”

Q: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
A: “I went to Europe, Sir.”
Q: “And you took your new wife?”

Q: “How was your first marriage terminated?
A: “By death.”
Q: “And by who’s death was it terminated?”

Q: “Can you describe the individual?”
A: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
Q: “Was this a male, or a female?”

Q: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”
A: “No, this is how I dress when I go to work.”

Q: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
A: “All my autopsies are performed on dead people.”

Q: “All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?”
A: “Oral.”

Q: “Do you recall the time that you examined the body?”
A: “The autopsy started around 8:39 p.m..”
Q: “And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?”
A: “No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.”

Q: “You were not shot in the fracas?”
A: “No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.”

Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?”
A: “I have been since early childhood.”

Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for breathing?”
A: “No.”
Q: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy.”
A: “No.”
Q: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
A: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Q: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
A: “It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

Jokes:

Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
An ambulance stopped suddenly.

How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
Three–one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the     ladder company.

Why don’t you ever see lawyers at the beach?
Cats keep covering them with sand.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him,
Q: “Did you actually see the accident?”
A: The witness: “Yes, sir.”

Q: “How far away were you when the accident happened?”
A: The witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.”

The lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness):
Q: “Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?”
A: “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some       annoying lawyer would ask me that question.”

What’s wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.

HEART WARMING LAWYER STORY

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass ?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.”

The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high.”

Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?
Look at Congress — over 300 Lawyers!!!

BLOOPERS

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the testimonials of a few women who did.

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked

loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?”

I turned around and walked back out and never went back.

My husband didn’t say a word…he knew better.

 

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was

unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several

minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who worked at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men’s balls.”

 

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety

of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind

the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.”

My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned

beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

 

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some

pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now” she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as

threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I

saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!”

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my

dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

 

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on

him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked

my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.

Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No”.

I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t  have any clothes with me.”

Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?”

“No,” he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was

getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an accident?”

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his

cheeks and yelled, “SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!”

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly

pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they’d

ever had!

 

LAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very

embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before

she speaks. What happens when you predict snow — but don’t get any….a

true story.

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have

snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:

“So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?”

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were

laughing so hard!